Coping with Anger

When working with younger children my anger therapy approach is to start by changing the environment and the reactions of those around the child. If a child gets what they want as a result of the behaviors they display when angry, the reactions will get stronger over time. They will see it as a strategy that works for them.

Imagine you are at a slot machine and pull after pull, the machine you have chosen is paying out big. Not only are you not likely to walk away, but you are probably pretty satisfied with the experience. If you child is finding success with angry reactions to his or her environment, those responses are probably well reinforced and are likely to repeat.

What your young child does when angry doesn’t mean they don’t love you or feel bad about their words or action afterward. If their responses work to get a desired outcome, this becomes a natural response they fall upon. Without even realizing it, or being able to express it, there is most likely some level of awareness that anger is not the best choice. That being said, while your child probably regrets disruptive behavior and may even share in your concern afterward, this may not be enough for them to stop doing it on their own.

If you don’t change the payoff, your young child is just going to continue using this tactic. Keeping in mind that if anger is repeated time and time again, it could mean quicker intensity, more extreme and scary behaviors, an increase in inappropriate or concerning language used, and knowing exactly what lines to cross to get someone to give in faster. In other words, they will get better at using anger to their advantage.

We will work together to do two very important things. First, we will change your child’s expectations as to whether their inappropriate behaviors will be effective in getting what he or she wants. Second, we will work on helping the child develop appropriate skills for communication, conflict resolution, frustration tolerance, and socialization so they have available plan B’s for when they realize that their plan A (anger) is no longer effective.

Sometimes parents will notice early on in the process that their child responds even more with anger. This just means that the process is effective and they’re starting to understand that change is brewing. They are beginning to get what is being taught to them, but they might not necessarily like the process initially.

In my experience, the children I work with are usually not oppositional, bipolar, or psychotic. They are savvy enough to discover what works and persistent enough to keep doing it as long as it is leading to the results they want. The key to change is helping them develop and use other skills and strategies instead. Long-term, it is their awareness and ability to use coping techniques that determines whether anger interferes with their life as they get older. Because of that, we try to teach them what we can as early as possible.

Working with older children requires a slightly different approach. The undesired behaviors, words and attitudes that accompany anger are working in your child’s life in some way to get them what they want.

This is why our first step is to figure out specifically what those desired outcomes are (regardless of whether the strategies used are actually successful). Even when behaviors appear to be 100 percent from a place of defiance, there’s some rationale and intended result underneath. To change these unwanted actions, you have to figure out what they are looking to accomplish (this can include multiple reasons or functions). The objectives might not be easy to find, but they are there and very important for making any kind of change.

Once the purpose of the behavior is determined, the next step is to assess whether they do possess a better way of communicating, accessing, and problem-solving to earn what they want (and aren’t using it). Or is it the case that they lack the requisite skills needed. If they don’t have them, we work towards helping them build these more effective strategies. This foundation must be in place for any therapeutic changes to take hold.

When the skills and techniques for more effectively getting what he or she wants (again, if appropriate to have it) have been developed, we adjust the dynamic so that those more desirable strategies are the only ways to get it. This includes things like problem-solving collaboratively, completing responsibilities to get privileges, displaying a calm and respectful demeanor when requesting something, doing household tasks to earn money, etc. Using the old habits and approaches will get them nowhere.

I work with you as a parent to demonstrate how to change your teen’s expectations and the results of behaviors. When working with your teen, I can help them acquire more effective ways of coping with their anger and frustration, as well as skills for dealing with the initial problem more appropriately.

Keep in mind, it’s very possible that this person will never decide on their own to get help to deal with anger in a healthier way.

All you can do is to express your thoughts and feelings about the matters that are impacting you. During a calm moment, express how you feel about the conflicts that are occurring. Use “I statements” that keep the focus on you, your thoughts, and your feelings. (“I think you really need help” and “I think you can be an immature *favorite expletive that you know triggers them* when you don’t get your way.” do not count as productive “I statements.”)

Try to be gentle and understanding, not accusatory. Do not frame it as a punishment. Avoid having this conversation while the other person is already angry, as it will not be processed right and likely result in even more anger. Indicate that you are interested in learning new skills to help decrease the tension and stress in the relationship/family.

And don’t expect any of the above to necessarily work quickly or the first time. Or, in some cases, ever.

Things will change. But probably not for the better.

The research is pretty conclusive that positive reinforcement (getting what you want through desirable means) is far more effective than punishment. This doesn’t mean that negative outcomes can never be used to change a behavior, but it very much depends on the situation and the type of strategy used.

Increasing physical punishment can easily cross the line into an abusive situation which comes with unwanted consequences. On top of being morally suspect it can launch a whole host of legal troubles, and sends the message that it is okay to respond in this way if you are mad enough (which is the complete opposite of what you want them to learn about anger).

If the chosen punishment is absurd or impossible to ensure follow through (no cellphone use for a year, no videogames even over at a friend’s house, no use of any social media apps), you’ll just be piling on more resentment. This will inevitably decrease the likelihood of them taking what you say seriously. The focus then becomes trying to circumvent/uphold the punishment instead of teaching better ways of handling anger. People are much better at being determined than vigilant. They’ll find a way, which ultimately leads to restarting the unhealthy cycle.

The positive reinforcement approach focuses on engaging in healthy and desirable actions to get what you want when angry. It helps people to learn the skills needed (relaxation, assertive communication, compromise, perspective-taking, flexible thinking, problem-solving, etc.) and use them successfully. If they develop and experience success with alternate strategies (more success than with the undesired behaviors), those will be used going forward instead of the unwanted approaches.